[Nida_Shaaz]

Q: What is an arranged marriage?

A1: Arranged marriage is the process through which a loser like him will get a knockout like her that he will never get in real life.

A2: Arranged marriage is the process through which she will get the BMW of her dreams by marrying the doctor of her nightmares.

Q: How many functions are there in a desi marriage?

A1: It depends on how much your parents love you and how much they are prepared to spend on you. Parents, if you have two kids, decide which one you love more now. The other one is going to elope.

A2: Three functions.

Q: What's the first of the three functions?

A: It's called a holud ceremony, literally the "yellow" ceremony.

Apparently, we have discovered a breakthrough scientific formula.

Brown + Yellow = White.

Because our ultimate aim in life is to look like this.


Q: What is the second ceremony?

A: It is called the akht. This is where the imam decides because a girl is silently crying she is happily agreeing to the marriage, whereas the boy (who should really be the one to be crying) has to soundly pronounce "I do" before the imam will say the magic words "you are now married".

They say marriage completes half of your deen (religion). It is observed that men become more religious after marriage. It is because they realize what they have gotten into and start praying more often.

It is also noted that men become fatter after their wedding. It is due to the fact that when a bachelor comes home, he sees what's in the fridge and goes to bed. Whereas the married man comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the fridge.

Q: What is a walimah or reception?

A: This is the occasion where we invite all the people we don't really like but have to invite anyways (also known as relatives), so that they can stand and gawk at us making corny jokes about our supposed night of passion.

Q: Who is the first person to leave the gathering?

A: It's the imam. We invite him so he can say the obligatory Quran recitation, do some lecture on why marriage is important, eat and then leave, so we can start our gaana bajaana (music). It's usually best to invite Bengali imams. They know very little Quran so they usually recite Surah Asr (only three verses - very short). The translation is even shorter as they don't know Arabic so just talk in general of why the President of America is an evil man.

A guide to checking out the bride:

Yes, we all know why you are really in the line to take a picture with your 'friend' and your new bhabi - you really want to see how lucky the bast*** got. So this is how you do it.

1. Keep your gaze down.

Be like a good modest desi and lower your gaze. That way, when the time comes, you can look up. Slowly. And check her out completely from bottom to top. If you start at the top, once she starts saying "Hi" you are stuck, you gotta look at her face and make small talk.

2. Don't let out a whistle.

Very important.

How to check out the groom:

Just gaze at any standard guy in a tux and a tie. They all look the same.

[Nida_Shaaz]

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.








When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.







When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

[Nida_Shaaz]

aik Admi Machli Ka Shikar Kar Key Laya Aor Begum Sey Kaha Issey Paka Key Khilao

To Begum Ney Jawab Dya

Na Bijli Hai, Na Gas Hai, Na Paani Hai, Na Aata Hai Aor Na Cooking Oil Hai

Aadmi Machli Ko Wapis Darya Mein Chor Kar Aa Raha Tha To......

Machli Ney Khushi Sey Jhoom Kar Paani Sey Apna Sar Nikala Aor Kaha

"geo Musharraf"

[Nida_Shaaz]

Father : What are you thinking so deeply?
Son : Nothing special ...
Father: C'mon son ... there is something troubling you ... speak out
Son: Well dad, i was thinking how much does it takes to get married ?
Father : Married ??? You are too young to think on such issue ... you got long way to go ....
Son : I still insist to know
Father : Well it depends sunny boy ... in my case i am still paying it ( after 15 years of marriage )

[Nida_Shaaz]

man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

[Nida_Shaaz]

Irshad Manji had a great fall

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCcMoFkeLLo

[Nida_Shaaz]

woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone".

[Nida_Shaaz]

A father came home and found his three children were outside, still in

their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon , and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor,a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand

was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

[Nida_Shaaz]

A sheikh sahib on his death bed... My wife
Where are you?
Yes, I am here
My Sons, my daughters are you all here?
Yes, papa
Tay fer naal de kamra da pakha kiyon chal rya aye?

Aik Aadmi nai kaha is zindagi se tou maut hee achi...
Aik dam Izrayel Aagaye aur Kaha...
Chalo tumhari jaan nikalnay ka hukam hua hai...

Aadmi bola chalo, Hun banda gal v nai kare

2 Sardars bank lootne gaye par gun bhool gaye...

Phir Bhi Bank loot liya

Kaisai?

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Bank Manager bhi sardar tha Bola " Koi baat nahi Gun Kal dhikha Jana"