[Nida_Shaaz]

It was a bright sunny morning as Abner Smith and his woman Virginia 'big puss' Jones were awakened by the sound of birds singing outside their home. So they laid in bed for a few more minutes, then he farted and held her head under the covers. After that, she got up and packed her bags and left him.

"Oh if only I could turn back the hands of time," he groaned to himself, "then I never would have done that. Well, I would have farted, but I wouldn't have held her head under the covers."

However, before she left, she cut a bunch of holes in all his Jocky shorts while he was outside. A few days later he decided to change shorts, and that's when he saw they were full of holes. In fact, there were more holes in them than in a donut. So he called the cops and told them what big puss had done to his shorts, so they went and arrested her and she went to prison. He then realized he needed some new shorts so he hopped on his bicycle and off to the clothing store he went. He left the bike outside and went into the store, then after awhile he came out with a brand new pair of shorts on his ass. He then got on his bicycle and started off, but for some reason the bike was acting very strange.

As he pedaled, it would rattle and shake and it was hard to stay on it. As he went along, it bounced him into a brick wall and almost broke his jaws but he got back on and kept going. Then it threw him into a mud hole but he climbed out and got back on. He was in a state of bewilderment. After pedaling for about an hour, he had only gone a few feet. That pissed him off. But he finally found the problem though, somebody had stolen the wheels.

Well he didn't know what the hell to do about that, so he went to a bookstore to look for a book on what to do if your bike has no wheels. While he was searching, he glanced over at the luscious looking sales clerk at the counter. She didn't see him but he knew she was the lady of his dreams.

"Oh what a lovely woman." he thought. "I'd sure like to plug her."

He then decided he would try to win her heart. But she was a black woman, so he figured he might have a better chance if he was black, so he decided he would go disguise himself as a black man, then come back and dazzle her with his charm, then they could get down and do some heavy diddling.

So he went straight to the nearest beauty parlor and had his hair kinked. Then he bought a can of black shoe polish and rubbed it all over his face and hands and all visible areas. He then bought some shade glasses and a hat with a feather in it and a great big boom box to carry on his shoulder, and some Snoop Doggy Dog cd's.

Now he was ready to go back and impress her. When he arrived, he went in wearing the shades, and his boom box was blasting as loud as it would go. Then he started over to her, shuffling and spinning and break dancing all the way. But she told him to turn the damn thing off and stop dancing in there. His face turned red with embarrassment as he turned it off. He then started conversing with her. He found out her name was Britney. He told her his name was Leroy Slick. Then after talking for awhile, he asked her out to dinner for some watermelon and fried chicken, and to his pleasant surprise, she accepted.

Then after a few months they got married, and every morning after he showered, he would apply black shoe polish all over himself so she would keep thinking he was a black man.

But after about three years, he made a discovery that put him in a total state of shock and bewilderment. One day he couldn't find a pencil to do a crossword puzzle, so he looked for one in her purse while she was outside working in her flower garden. While searching through it, he found an old newspaper clipping of a white woman named Virginia 'big puss' Jones who escaped from prison. He also found a can of black shoe polish, and none of her shoes were black.

"Oh woe is me," he moaned, "this certainly explains why she doesn't eat watermelon and fried chicken all the time. I knew that big puss felt familiar but I couldn't quite place it. Oh What a bad day. Now I am in dire straits."